Picture at: http://www.chateau.murray.dsl.pipex.com/C90.jpg

It's been in a leaky shed for at least a decade. It's quite disgusting. It's red, fading to pink on some plastic parts, and with a fine patina of matching ferrous oxide. It's complete, except for the exhaust which was so decayed it fell off when I was moving it. The legshields are cracked. No documents and no keys. The engine has compression and turns over, but the speedo mileage of 46,000 suggests that it was used by a Knowledge Boy with severe learning difficulties.

Speaking of which, this is a re-listing because the winning bidder last time was a decerebrate turnip who was able to click on buttons and hit the numbers keys, but unable to read web pages, and didn't realise that he was 200 miles away. "I dint no (sic) where you lived" read his email. Well done, astragsi999: in addition to having the saddest username on Ebay, you've now got a feedback rating of minus one and a Non-Paying Bidder stripe against your record. Welcome to our Quadrant of the Galaxy. Beep. Yes, we play rough on Planet Earth sometimes. The next-placed bidder swore blind he wanted it, but he turned out to live 120 miles away and he's been giving me the run-around as well. Irritated? Me? Just a tad, yes. For the benefit of anyone else who has the navigational skills of a pigeon with a magnet strapped to its forehead, this bike is in Sutton, south-west London. For the Yanks, that's London, England, near Russia. Not London, New Jersey, nor New London, Connecticut.

What's it worth? Spare parts only, or maybe the basis for a field bike. It really isn't worth restoring as a road bike. Besides the engine, things like side panels, electrical components, forks, mirrors, levers, lights, switches, side panels, etc etc are all worth having. It even has a rack, roughly finished in Dulux White, which suggests that our trainee cab driver did a spot of painting and decorating on the side.

Starting price is 99p and no reserve. You will need a van or a trailer or the stamina to push it a long way. I can deliver within a reasonable distance for 50p/mile but unless you're only a few miles away (are you reading this, timewasters?) it'll probably be rather more than the bike is worth.

I'll want it taken away within one week of auction end. Timewasters and/or people who tell me they can't pick it up for a month, or haven't got transport at the moment, will find that Planet Earth's Alien Feedback Division can be a hostile place. Beep.

"I could offer £60 if you would consider delivery. The reason is that I am going on holiday from Friday the 14th of November so will be around home tomorrow Wednesday and Thursday the 12th and 13th.  Hence I will not be able to bid or collect the bike while I am away. Currently I ride a ZZR1100 and am looking for very cheap local transport in the winter months.  Condition not really important to me."

If you can't take delivery, or you aren't local, don't bid and don't waste my time with emails. And can't you read? This bike is like Monty Python's parrot. It wouldn't voom if you put 40,000 volts through it. The engine may be OK - I've no idea - but the rest of it is a pile of poo.

And this is an auction, right? I've no intention of pissing off genuine buyers on my stuff by yanking my goods because someone as dim as candle in a Guinness bottle thinks he can change my mind by promising cash. I've heard that one before. In fact, I've heard it on this very C90.

For the record: winning bidder gets it, and then drags it away pronto before the neighbours claim it's reducing local property values..

Same goes for other comedians, except that my vengeance will be worse as the bids increase. They're already 25 quid more than this thing is worth.

Jesus. All you have to do is read Ebay's instructions, click on a button, and type in a figure. There are people out there who, on this basis, can't even use a microwave oven without a quantifiable risk of burning their hands off at the wrist.

And from the sound of his username, he's 250 miles away, but hey!? Maybe he was conceived on a wet and wind-blasted island off North Wales? Anglesey0, I'm cancelling your bid unless, as politely requested, you get back to me with full name, address, contact numbers and an assurance that you're not as dim as your illiterate email suggests.

In fact, I've just checked the bid history. I should have done that earlier. Lookathat! Four bidders, and three of them zero feedback. The bad news for you, Markclock, is that if I bar the current geezer, this bike is going to be your problem.